What’s a normal orgasm?
Is it clitoral, vaginal, G-spot, multiple or fake? In fact the truth lies somewhere in all of the above! The female orgasm is a complex issue and highly individual. A woman describing what it is that makes her have an orgasm and what it feels like is describing something completely unique to her and if she is discussing this issue with her friends they may all find it extraordinary. There are however a few generalities e.g. most women find that an emotional connection is important, in contrast to many men. You’ve heard the comment that when it comes to sex men just need a place but women need a reason!
It’s also true that most women need clitoral stimulation if they are going to have an orgasm. This usually means that ordinary missionary position intercourse, no matter how long he goes on for, may not provide the right stimulation needed and the woman may never have an orgasm like this. In fact it is quite common for women never to have an orgasm from penile trusting. I’ve seen many women that are anxious and worried because they can have an orgasm from manual stimulation or from oral sex, but they just can’t seem to have an orgasm during intercourse. Some of these women may try all types of techniques and vibrators and even Viagra in the effort to try and have an orgasm during penile thrusting intercourse, but it just does not happen. This is such a common phenomenon that it should really be considered as completely normal. Of course there are various techniques described in sex books that can increase the chances of an orgasm during intercourse with their partner. These usually involve stimulation of the clitoris while the penis is in the vagina either by herself or her partner and stopping clitorial stimulation shortly before orgasm with her partner continuing with the penile thrusting. This calculated manipulation, however, can take all the fun out of the sexual experience and the whole thing can become goal orientated and lose the emotional dimension. The clitoris is a small pea size structure at the front of the vaginal opening and is usually covered by a small piece of skin called the clitoral hood. This area is extremely sensitive and some women find the clitoris so sensitive that they don’t like it being touched in the early stages. It can also become very sensitive just after an orgasm. It’s therefore a very good idea to use a lubricant during clitoral stimulation. There are some superb sex lubricants available from web sites, sex shops and even normal chemists. One of the best currently available is Sensilube. This gives a nice silky, liquid feel to the area. It also takes away some of the friction and provides some good lubrication if the woman is in any way concerned that lubrication may not be adequate.
The G-Spot is a mythical, ephemoral location on the front wall of the vagina about 3 inches up i.e. about a finger height. Some women describe this area as extremely sensitive and when it’s stimulated they get heightened sensation. Obviously this area is maximally stimulated during rear entry intercourse. Some women also describe the sensation of female ejaculation where they feel some liquid emerges from this area. However, it is important to realize that most women do not describe such a sensitive area and there is a great deal of controversy over whether something like a G-Spot actually exists. Again, it is important to point out that many women reading sex books or watching programmes like “Sex in the City” can think there is something wrong with them if they haven’t experienced the G-Spot! Relax, enjoy the pleasure, don’t go searching in exasperation for something that may not even exist.
What about multiple orgasms?
Well of course they exist but many women never have a multiple orgasm and therefore shouldn’t feel in any way pressured or abnormal in not experiencing this.
Most orgasmic difficulties arise from mental blocks that have been generated during childhood and early adolescence. Many families still see sex as something not to be talked about or even worse, something to be avoided and frowned upon and regarded as unpleasant or dirty. This negative conditioning easily programmes susceptible young minds into regarding sex as something associated with guilt, shame and anxiety. You only have to look at all the nonsense about masturbation and all the illnesses it was supposed to cause in bygone days. How on earth is someone going to learn to have an orgasm with a partner if they can’t even have one on their own in the comfort of their own room, with no other person present. If a woman cannot overcome her own inhibitions enough to be able to masturbate herself to orgasm how is some man, who barely knows her anatomy, and her likes and dislikes, supposed to be able to provide the right kind of stimulation? All of the techniques described in sex books to help her obtain an orgasm focus heavily on the woman learning what she likes and eventually learning on her own how to create an orgasm. One of the best books in this area is “Becoming Orgasmic” by Lo Piccolo and Heinman. However, there are many books available in all books shops more or less all describing the same techniques and many recommend using a vibrator.
There are plenty of web sites where you can browse through and get some idea of what’s available and what might suit you. Thankfully, many vibrators are now designed by women and some are even shaped to fit against the vulval area and clitoris with no penetration at all!! Definately a female design! Ann Summers website is well worth looking at for a wide range of vibrators with good descriptions.
Desire is also is also important for normal function and many women go through phases of loss of desire in their life. Most women in a long term relationship need to feel loved and cherished and attractive. In many relationships the men simpley take her for granted and stop doing all the things they used to do in the early days that made the woman feel special. An inevitable consequence is loss of desire and couples need to work together to keep this romantic part of their relationship alive. It is also common for women to feel loss of desire after having a baby, but this has as much to do with absolute fatigue and exhaustion as anything else. Many women are still doing everything i.e working outside the home, doing all the childcare and still doing all the housework! Is it any wonder when they finally flop into bed that they are exhausted and are less than enthusiastic when their partner suggests sex! I tell most of my male patients that unless they do housework they don’t deserve to have sex! Couples, especially those with children need to plan sometime for them to be together without the children on a regular weekly basis. Also, the odd week-end away, for just the two of them can be a huge benefit to the whole family. A satisfying sexual relationship between the parents creates a loving home atmosphere that the children can unconsciously detect. So even though it may feel selfish at the time, it’s critical that the parents don’t neglect their relationship.
When it comes to keeping desire alive it is important to try and keep sex on the mind, there are good web sites that supply various sexual aids that can liven up the sexual experience. There are good books e.g. by Nancy Friday describing female sexual fantasies and books by Rachel Swift i.e. Satisfaction Guaranteed (what every woman wants in bed). It is useful to buy books to keep sex on the mind and improve techniques and allow experimentation. The same old routine can induce boredom which is the biggest passion killer.